With our business being complete and coffee remaining in our cups, our conversation turned to children.  With each of us having multiple children, Eliz and I always have many stories to share and, immediately, I went to one of (what I consider) a premier parenting moment.  Begin story flashback….
It was 2002 and we lived right outside of Washington, DC.  I had (as usual) gotten to work early that day and had just gotten back to my office when my phone rang.
“She did what!?”   I said incredulously.  I couldn’t believe it.  My darling baby girl had gotten in trouble at school for spitting on another student.  Now, it wasn’t the first time she had gotten in trouble at school (nor would it be the last) but I was still amazed she would do THAT!  I said that I would handle it when I got home, went back to work and started mulling over the course of action for her punishment.
When I walked in the house, there she sat, head down, and sheepishly looking up at me  (as though her sad face was going to make a difference).
I said, “I hear you had a bit of trouble at school today….what’s the deal?”
She then explained that there was this boy that was always teasing her and that, today, she just got tired of it and spit on him.  Then, of course, I explained that wasn’t the way it should have been handled, explained how it should be and then asked her what she thought her punishment should be.  “I don’t know,”  Victoria replied.
“Well,”  I said, “I’ve been mulling it over a bit and I have two options for you.”
Victoria’s head perked up when she heard she had options.  I continued, “You can either write this sentence about how we don’t spit 500 times OR you can take this 3 pound coffee can and fill it with spit.”
“I’ll take that one!”  she said enthusiastically about the coffee can.
“Okay,”  I said, “but you have to sit here in the kitchen until it’s full.”  and I left her to her do her duty.
Not even five minutes later a raspy voice fainted out a cry from the kitchen, “DAD….DAD….DAD…”  and I returned to see how she was coming along.  She (after just a few minutes) had run out of spit.  “Dad, “ Victoria whispered, “can I do the sentences instead?”    I obliged and she has never spit on anyone again.
End story flashback.
When I finished telling the story, Eliz and I laughed, I sat there (still basking triumphantly after 10 years) enjoying  my proud parenting moment.
Eliz then said, “It’s all about choices…giving people (and children) choices YOU can live with as leader.”
I sat and thought.  I had never really thought about it like that before from a leadership position.  There were many times I had not offered choices and then when the person was given a a self generated choice, I couldn’t oblige with the request.  Conversely, when I had offered choices to others in a tenuous situation that I could live with, we nearly both came out winners.
Here are two reasons it works.
First, giving people a choice you can live with puts the control in their hands.  Granted, it’s not ALL in their hands but that piece is.  We ALL want to have control of our destinies.  It helps us shine, flourish, and be treated as humans.
Second, it gets rid of the pony.  If I had asked Victoria what she wanted as a punishment,  anything could have happened.  Much like when you ask what a kid wants at Christmas….they want a PONY!   I don’t have a pony to give.  In today’s business world, we only have so much to give.  If someone asks for a pony and you can’t give it, they feel cheated and you may feel bad for not being able to give them what is wanted (or maybe not…you Machiavellian bastard…).  Get rid of the option of the pony.

How to you make it work?  Ask yourself these three questions:

What does the person want?
What two things are doable?
Can I live with either choice?

Granted, I knew Victoria couldn’t fill a coffee can with spit but that was a completely different scenario than what we face most days at work.  Eliz was right, can can’t do everything but we can do some things – giving people a choice is one of those things.  Step up, take charge, and give people a choice.