I was coming up on my first annual performance evaluation as an officer in the Navy and, as the day approached for my debrief, I wasn’t really worried because I had really been working hard at setting goals for my department and exceeding the objectives set by my boss.  Finally, the day came.  My boss called me into his office and went through the performance marks.  At the end he said, “Chip, I really like the way you get things done.  You’re like a pit bull.  You won’t let go of something until it’s done.”  I sat there, smugly, feeling quite proud.  “But,” he added, “you wear your emotions on your sleeve too much.”   I looked at him like a confused puppy and asked, “What do you mean, Sir?”
He replied, “Well, you hate the Executive Officer (XO) and everyone knows it!”  He said a few other things but I don’t really remember anything except for the big “BUT.”

He was right.  I did hate the Executive Officer.  I had reason too.  He was the biggest butt-hole I had ever met (and I’m being nice).  He would sweep into my office, chastise my people and then sweep back out.  He was like an F5 tornado that reeked havoc everywhere he went.  But, my disdain for him was carrying into my team and it wasn’t conducive to good order and discipline. He, in turn, made it a point to be an even bigger butt-hole (if that was even possible) to my team at every given opportunity.  My want to shelter my team from his wake of destruction had only exasperated the situation.  My boss was right.  I needed to do something.

We all, unfortunately, have the opportunity in a career to work for world class butt-holes.    In this kind of situation what do we do?  We can fight it but, like I wrote, it can have a negative impact (and ripple effect) for all concerned.  Here’s what I did to get along with this jack ass.

Give a Little
I had to “die to self” and get rid of my ego in this situation.  After reflecting, what I came up with at the core of my dislike of this man was, yes, his attitude of dealing with people in a draconian fashion but also that I felt he usurped my authority.  For the sake of my team, I started offering to help him whenever possible.  Prior to this, I would resist anything he wanted, be argumentative, and be a butt-hole myself whenever he would come into my office (fire fights fire, right?).   It’s hard to argue with someone that wants to help and has a “lend a hand” attitude.

Give a Lot
After giving a little and divesting myself of ego, I would thank him for his contribution.  YES!  I would THANK HIM!  Truthfully, this hurt the most.  I don’t like unsolicited advice and he’d give a lot of it.  I actually had more time in the Navy than he did and understood how things worked…I never felt his advice was worth much.  My attitude towards this was noticeable to everyone around me.  Acknowledging him and his “expertise” made him feel good and, in turn, he throttled down on his torture of my department.  Further, when I actually opened my ears, I found I could glean some decent nuggets of wisdom from the bile that spewed from his mouth.  (Okay, that was a bit mean.)   Thanking someone shows value and that’s what, as human beings, most of us want…to be valued.  As people and for what we bring to the table.

In the end, we didn’t end up best friends.  We did, however, come to have a mutual respect for each other and what we had to get done.  In many ways, my attitude created my monster.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve and it made it bad for everyone.  Changing how I interacted made all the difference and we were able to get more done with less interference.  Ego can be a bitch.  On one hand it can keep us competitive and on the other it can be a huge barrier to getting along with people.  One of our jobs as leaders is to be a buffer to our people, not make things worse.  Combat it and make a real difference.  Give a little and, then, give a lot.